It's allright...the first paragraph kind of doesn't flow, but your talent has potential...--Beatmaster180 15:24, 29 August 2008 (UTC)
It's really good i think. Very emotional and i like the ending. As Beatmaster said though, it doesn't flow in the sence that the first paragraph jumps to a flashback. It took me to the end to realise that his book wasn't alive and that he was thinking of this! Also there is some minor but frequent punctuation issues, muddle ups and complete miss of words in sentances, which again wrecks the flow. So i ask whether i could go through it and make any corrections for you please? It's really good and so i wouldn't want a good story line to be messed by gramatical issues. Anyway, very imaginative and i can't wait for the rest of it! Great job,
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There were a few things i took the liberty of changing. Firstly the marine transfer info was in one big mess. When i looked at it on the edit code, i saw that you wanted it to be on a new line. So i fixed that for you and took the liberty of making it even more stylish, so it now looks like the screen as if we were looking at what the character was. If you don't want it then you can delete the coding but i think it makes a nice touch!
Also you said on there that his mum and dad were in the marine corps like him. Yet his mother was a petty officer, which is enlisted rank stage 4, 5 or 6 in the navy. As you didn't specify whether she was a petty officer first class, second class or third class, i took the liberty of making it third. So then with this i compared the navy ranks with the marine corps and stage 4, 5 and 6 were Corporal, Sergeant and Staff Sergeant, respectively. So here's that in comparison if you want to change it:
- Petty Officer 1st class = Corporal (this is what she is at the moment)
- Petty Officer 2nd class = Sergeant
- Petty Officer 3rd class = Staff Sergeant
There were also some word muddle-ups or unflowing sentances, so in some cases i had to change some of the layout, but very rarely. I suggest that you also make this a first person narative. As it is very close to the character, at this stage, it will work well. Also, he has a very emotional past and so you could enhance that emotion and thought, a lot further, by changing it to 1st. This way the reader should have more sympathy and false empathy, which would connect the narator and reader together, thus making the story more indepth and structured.
All in all there were loads of gramatical errors but it was a good job. Now i don't mind helping you with technical or factual issues but grammatical does take its toll after a while. So i suggest that you proof-read your work after you write it to make sure that there aren't any spelling or punctuational errors. However the story and speach is excellent and as i said; i'm looking forward to reading the rest!
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I LOVE IT!!! It feels like I am reading one of the books. Please write more!!! I am Truth,the voice of the Bananapeople!!! Agh ubla (death)