This article, Halo Party Time, was written by Brodie-001, but may be used freely by other users even without the author's explicit permission.
"Dear Sarge: kicking ass in outer space, wish you were here!"
This article, Halo Party Time, is a work of humour, and is not in any way intended by the author to be taken seriously. If you feel that this article is not an appropriate use of the humour template, please be sure to find information regarding the use of the Humour Template by visiting this page before making such a claim.
WARNING This article contains an excessive amount of in-jokes. User confusion is expected.
In 2012, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. The unit promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Xbox Live underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the HF-Team.
Halo Party Time is the name given to a series of online battles fought over Xbox Live and the Internet between the community there and a team of well-trained, highly skilled, and mature group of Halo Fanon operators, beginning in late 2012. Since then they have ventured all over the galaxy (sort of) and battled many foes and faced a number of hardships in their constant fight against other players and in-game AI.
If you want to join the ranks of Halo Party Time, please leave a message on Brodie-001's Talk Page. Please note that we're more open to users who are regularly active on Halo Fanon and the site IRC, as we'd like to get to know any new additions beforehand. Thanks.
While our games are full of nonsensical, anarchic fun and the occasional bout of butthurt, even we must abide by a few distinct rules that bind us together, and all that crap.
Rule 1 - Have fun, or else. Rule 2 - NO POLITICAL DISCUSSIONS I SWEAR TO GOD DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE. Rule 3 - Whatever happens to us in a game, it's probably Colin's fault. Or Lancer's. Even when it's not. Especially when it's not. Rule 4 - More Cowbell is always needed. Never suggest that there is enough Cowbell. Rule 5 - No Teabagging. Except when it's funny. Rule 6 - Never speak about that one time. Ever. Rule 7 - Never suggest that Sarah Palmer is in any way likeable or worthy of respect. Rule 8 - Do not mention Ghosts when Stel is in the party. You will regret it. Rule 9 - We must never finish a game of Firefight in Halo 3: ODST. Someone will always leave before we run out of lives. Rule 10 - Do the impossible, see the invisible, ROW! ROW! FIGHT THE POWAH! Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable, ROW! ROW! FIGHT THE POWAH! Rule 11 - Each HPT member should read loudly from disturbing fanfiction from time to time, just to keep everyone sufficiently disturbed. Rule 12 - Everyone must bitch about how bad Destiny even if we're actually having fun playing it. Rule 13 - A discussion about dumb anime bullshit and/or -REDACTED- must occur once a session.
Report One: Tactics
Our first official HPT report comes from the battlefields of Halo 3. As our brave heroes (Brodie, Sniper, Lancer and Colin) traversed the war-torn land known as Construct, they became embroiled in a battle with the dastardly Red Team. Following a brief skirmish in which the foul enemy team took the high ground, Brodie came up with a plan unheard of in all the years of Halo: They would use tactics. After poring through dusty tomes of knowledge thought to be lost, this word referred to the use of intelligent thought and planning in making an attack. While the villains lurked above, Brodie led his brave companions up a small, stair-like path, remaining crouched to stay out of radar focus. Once they reached the top, Halo Fanon's finest were able to acquire the fabled Energy Sword from its cradle, and used both this revered weapon and the element of surprise to overwhelm the foe with an attack from behind. What followed was a massacre as the filthy enemy team tried again and again to reclaim their ground, only to be repelled again and again until the day was won. 'Tactics' had proven useful for our heroes as they continued their journey through the realms of Xbox Live.
Report Two: Unforgivable Crime
During a heated battle in the never-ending war between Red and Blue, our magnificent heroes had taken up position in Ragnarok, a battlefield they knew well from ages past that had returned in Halo 4. The team, which then consisted of Brodie, Colin, Stel, Anon, and Sniper, with some mercenaries recruited from elsewhere, were making a dramatic push across the battlefield, slaughtering all in their path. As Brodie led the way with his sniper rifle, a close-combat weapon useful for any vanguard, our own brother Stel was making his way forward atop a mighty steed. While Brodie doled out headshots like free candy and led the charge, how could he have planned for this? Stel pushed his vehicle into overdrive and swiftly splattered his comrade, Brodie's body decorating it like a trophy as he cut through enemy lines in an instant. Following the battle, the members of the HF-Team were forced to remove what remained with a spatula. Lik dis if u crai ever tim.
Report Three: Rage Against the Lancer
It is not only the multiplayer world that brings grief, misery and the occasional bout of butthurt to our mighty heroes. On the final level of Halo 3, a crack team featuring Brodie, Colin, Sniper and Lancer were making one final effort to defeat the Flood threat once and for all after a reasonably nice campaign. Things went well, all things considered. Until the final run. During this period, our 'frenemy' Lancer did something completely unexpected, unbelievable, unlikable, and a bunch of other things beginning with 'un-'. He drove on. As the chart will no doubt show you, one team mate in particular was slightly miffed at this, as his crime led to death after death for him and the others, who were left far enough behind that they repeatedly fell into the abyss.
Pissed off, said member voiced his anger in a rather vocal way throughout the warthog run. After a lengthy torrent of abuse, Lancer seemingly had a change of heart and slowed down just a little. In response, Brodie threw a ball of hope that slowed Lancer down a little more, allowing him to climb into the passenger's seat and settle their differences in a calm, collected and civilized manner. Lancer then watched from the death screen as the surviving trio escaped to the Forward Unto Dawn, thus ending the campaign and bringing about another victory for the HF-Team. Huzzah.
Report Four: Because Fuck You
Our fourth, and rather short battlefield report comes from Halo 4's campaign, in which Sniper, Actene and Brodie attempted to traverse the second level. After casually breezing through foes the usual way, a majestic flying mount came into view across a chasm, surrounded by enemies. Brodie and Actene immediately charged forward and plunged headlong into a pit when they attempted to jump across. After being laughed at by a sniping Sniper they respawned and made a mad dash for their purple-winged prize. By the will of the Gods chance, Brodie managed to leap aboard the flying machine first and took off, letting out a laugh as he took off into the sky. Seeing his saddened comrade confined to the primitive act of walking on two feet, Brodie decided that if they couldn't fly, he wouldn't. It was in this moment that he decided to murder the ground, and there was one foolproof way to do that. Unfortunately, he greatly misjudged the strength of his steed and exploded upon contact before Actene's eyes. The hunt for a second Banshee for Actene took place shortly after this, but like the first soon proved to be a failure when after taking two stunning plasma bolts, the second beast was vaporized by Sniper. Why? Because of reasons, that's why.
Report Five: Drive Me Closer!
Urged on by his mighty Battle Brothers, Brodie decided to purchase Star Wars: Battlefront II from Steam, a game he remembered fondly from his youth. Joined by Stel and Anonymous, he created an online game for them to battle in, fuelled by nostalgia and copious amounts of Doge. After fighting across the galaxy for some time, the group took part in the invasion of an ice planet while in the Emperor's service. During an all-out assault on a rebel base, Brodie commandeered a giant robot camel while Stel took up the mantle of Dark Lord of the Sith, his black-armoured form slicing through enemy defences and taking out emplacements with childish glee. Brodie, on the other hand, was sniping Wookies at a distance with a very big laser. As they drew closer to the base and victory seemed in sight, Darth Stel came up with the mighty plan of merging man and machine even closer. Using his mastery of the Sith arts, he leapt atop the AT-AT's head and took up his position, swinging his lightsaber towards the ant-like rebels swarming below. Alas, this had little effect from afar, so brother Stel gave the order. Surprisingly, this tactic turned out to work, and what ensued was a curb stomp battle of epic proportions. You can't spell slaughter without laughter!
Report Six: The Magnificent Seven
After many decent turnouts over a number of weeks, the Halo Fanon crew had it's biggest set of games yet. Journeying to the familiar battlefields of Halo: Reach, the team - originally consisting of Stel, Actene, Sniper, Brodie and Colin, prepared for a set of regular fights against the nefarious Xbox Live community. As they prepared to launch their assault, they were joined by Ell, who accompanied the crew into battle for the first time. Shortly afterwards, Lancer arrived, bringing our mighty group up to seven people. What occurred was a series of massacres as the group won victory after victory against the hordes of random online players, braving team killers, bothersome marksmen and the odd kamikaze attack in a series of awesome games. This was generally considered to be one of the most successful HPT events in recent memory, proving the badass credentials of everyone involved.
Report Seven: Colin vs. The World
Venturing once more to the battlegrounds of Halo: Reach, the team, consisting of Brodie, Colin, Stel, and ASniper, decided to complete the entire campaign, however; there was a twist, it was to be done... in reverse! The team's goal of pushing the Covenant off of Reach began with the bloodbath that is Lone Wolf. As soon as the game started, the team spread out despite Brodie's constant pleading to stay put, and soon faced the consequences. Slowly but surely, Covenant forces entered the area, and Stel soon a need for assistance. As Sniper ran to assist, it was too little too late, as Stel was overwhelmed and thoroughly beaten to death. Around the same time, Colin and Brodie were pinned down inside of Colin's Drop Shield, having just eliminated a rare Elite carrying an Energy Sword, Brodie ran out to acquire the coveted and powerful weapon before his shields and health had fully recharged, and was suddenly felled by a barrage of Concussion Rifle shots, leaving Colin and Sniper as the only survivors, with multiple top-tier Elite officers closing in on the two beleaguered Spartans. While Colin was on the move, trying to stay ahead of the large group of very, scary aliens, ASniper was safely hidden away in the attic of a nearby building. Soon however, they figured out a way to circumvent his hiding spot, and drove him out. Once he was exposed, he briefly linked up with the fleeing aqua Spartan to enter the protective and regenerative sphere of his Drop Shield. The calm inside the bubble wouldn't last as it soon collapsed under the stream of Covenant plasma, forcing the two to flee once more. While Colin was busy teaching ballet to the Covenant Army, ASniper was soon cornered by the marauding xenos forces, forcing him to expend his remaining munitions, as well as several power weapons. While managing to hold them off for a few more minutes, it proved futile, as he was mercilessly slaughtered, leaving Colin alone. Feeling fleet-footed, Colin ducked and dodged, swished and stabbed, felling many of the Covenant's greatest warriors with their own weapons. Trusting on his Drop Shield to keep him fit for battle, he survived for another four minutes on his own, relying on his Drop Shield to keep him fit for combat. It was only after being cornered inside his protective bubble by three Elites, and fifteen waiting outside, that he was finally brought down.
Report Eight: Emperor's "Finest"
Upon celebration of Colin finally acquiring Dawn of War 2: Retribution, Stel, Anonymous and Colin all decided to celebrate by slapping the hell out of some Tyranids on Multiplayer, with their respective Space Marine chapters. Within the derelict halls of the Judgement of Carrion, the dreaded and mysterious Dark Angels under the staunch advice of Stel's Force Commander began their advance into Tyranid territory, while the sombre and grim Doom Eagles led by an Apothecary under the will of Anonymous moved throughout the terrain, and the staunch, stubborn and stoic Aetherian Warriors belonging to Colin and under the supervision of another Force Commander began their assault. Little did they know what await them.
The Tyranids of various Hive Fleets nesting inside the Space Hulk were all set to Hard mode, consisting of a Hive Tyrant, a Ravener Alpha and a Lictor Alpha. While they were aware of the difficulty of the situation, nothing could prepare the three beleaguered Chapters for the forces of Tyranids that would bear down upon them. With their Requisition and Power Node points all "borrowed" by the Tyranids, the force was crippled early on. While the Aetherian Warriors attempted to besiege the Tyranids with a triplet of Predators armed with Lascannons, Terminator assaults and actual tactics, it was not enough. While the Doom Eagles were pushed all the way back to base, consistently besieged by Swarmlord after Carnifex and Carnifex after Swarmlord, until the Doom Eagles Apothecary could do no more.
The Dark Angels built up enough Zeal from fighting enemy units to call in a total of four Terminator Squads, two standard and two Assault. The flashes of Lightning Claws, the blazing of Heavy Flamers and the heavenly booming of rockets freeing themselves from the tubes of Cyclone Missile Launchers soon followed, allowing the two other Chapters to do the rest of their work. With enough effort, much screaming and even more Swarmlords, the Tyranids were finally purged from the Space Hulk. Or atleast, that's what we think happened.
Report Nine: NIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZNIDZ
On the weekend prior to Christmas, Colin decided to start playing primarily as the Imperial Guard in Dawn of War 2: Retribution. As a result of this, he decided to create a fanon Guard Regiment and a fanon campaign for said regiment to fight in. He forced requested Anon to aid him in the creation of this campaign, and together they agreed that they would act out the events of the campaign in the Retribution mod Destroyer40k. For the first few battles of the newly christened Reclamation of Pravinius, Colin's 276th Pravini Mechanized Infantry Regiment and Anon's Doom Eagles 4th Company fought against the forces of weaboo space communists the Tau, and (barring a disasterous five hour bloodbath which ultimately ended in an Imperial defeat and the Exterminatus of Pravinius VIIIone minor hiccup) things were going well. However, Anon soon became tired of fighting the tank-spamming weeaboo space communists with vagina foreheads Tau, and thus introduced Tyranid Hive Fleet Behemoth into the conflict.
After "discovering" the forces of Hive Fleet Behemoth in the jungles of Pravinius III, Anon and Colin, with the help of their friend Shnooze and her Cadians, managed to fare quite well for awhile. The three managed to claim the majority of the resource points fairly early on, and it seemed that achieving victory over the Tyranids was only a matter of time. But as Shnooze and Colin pushed towards the northernmost power node, they were suddenly attacked by a swarm of Gaunt, Warrior, and Ravener bioforms rushing in from the east, supported by Tyrant Guards. The Tyranids quickly overwhelmed Colin's armored units, and Anon was forced to DEHP deep strike Assault Terminators to push back the attackers. It was brutal, but the tactic succeeded, and the majority of the Tyranids were forced into a retreat. Anon called his Terminator squad back to his Land Raider not too far south of the power node, while Shnooze moved in a number of Guardsmen infantry and Leman Russ Battle Tanks, securing the node.
The Tyranids would return in force later, however, and although Shnooze was able to hold the power node for several minutes, she was ultimately forced to retreat in order to save her tanks. Anon intervened, despite Colin and Shnooze's insistence that it was too late. Anon sent a Predator Annihilator to engage the swarm of Tyranids chasing Shnooze's retreating armor, while moving his Land Raider and Terminators, as well as a Devastator squad, to take the node while the bulk of the Tyranids swarmed his Predator tank. Inevitably, the Predator was overrun and destroyed, but not before Anon's Devastator Marines had reclaimed the power node. Upon returning to the power node, the Tyranids were greeted by a hail of bolter and lascannon fire, with the Assault Terminators purging any filthy beasts that managed to survive the barrage.
But the victory was short-lived. The Tyranids changed tactics, retaliating with a truly crippling two-stage assault. First, they rushed the requisition point near the center of the battlefield. Anon pulled his Land Raider back to engage them, while Shnooze dropped several heavy turrets to keep pressure on the Tyranid attackers as she and Colin moved their tanks in. This seemed to work, but as the swarm began to thin, the Tyranids suddenly swarmed the southern part of the battlefield, where most of the Imperial Guard's forces where located, primarily armor. With Anon preoccupied with securing the north end of the map, the Great Devourer wrought havoc on the Imperial Guard.
Desperate, Anon, having secured the northern half of the map, commanded his Land Raider and Terminator Squads to push on to the Tyranid hives, instructing Colin to position his Manticore artillery to fire on the southernmost hive. Unfortunately, Colin's Manticores were overrun by Genestealers and destroyed before they were able to get within firing range, forcing Anon to assault the hive without the benefit of Colin's Manticore artillery support. Shnooze attempted to aid Anon by deploying Valkyries to drop heavy turrets near Anon's forces as they neared the hive, as well as using a Basilisk artillery barrage to thin the Tyranid swarm. Nevertheless, some of the Gaunts and many of the hardier bioforms managed to survive the barrage, and it was not long before Anon's Land Raider was reduced to scrap metal and his Terminators to Tyranid chow.
Despite the odds, most of the map remained in Imperial hands, with the Tyranids only controlling a handful of resource points. But the Emperor's brave soldiers found themselves at a disadvantage; with much of their armor destroyed and their infantry weakened, their forces had to be spread thin in order to maintain a grip on their resources. Worse yet, they were low on Requisition, having spent a considerable portion of it on reinforcing their dwindling infantry units. And when the Tyranids overtook Anon's forces in the north, taking the resource points and carving an easy path directly to the Imperial bases, all seemed lost. But Anon was not fazed, even as the Tyranids swarmed his base, slaughtering his infantry and laying waste to his defenses. Biding his time, he called in another Terminator Assault Squad to push back the swarm, buying time for Imperium's fine men to regroup and strategize.
Anon and Colin dedicated their resources towards offense, building heavy armored units with which to smash through the swaths of vile Tyranids, as well as light infantry to repair these vehicles. Shnooze dedicated her resources primarily to defense and support, constructing turrets, fortifying the western half of the map, and calling in the occasional artillery barrage or bombing run when needed. Anon would utilize Land Raiders and Terminators with which to attack the enemy base, while Colin used Manticores to bombard the Tyranid hives and thin the enemy infantry which crowded around the hives in great numbers.
A bitter struggle followed, lasting nearly two hours. But by the time that only one hive remained standing, the relentless waves of bloodthirsty Tyranid bioforms had thinned to the point that Imperial forces could begin reclaiming resource points, increasing the rate at which they could build units. Ultimately, the Imperium was able to surround the final hive and the majority of the remaining Tyranids with heavy armor, with which they finally blasted the unholy horrors of Great Devourer to oblivion. Exhausted, Colin, Anon, and Shnooze surveyed the scorched, blasted, cratered, and bloodspattered landscape and quickly came to one final conclusion: NO MORE FUCKING TYRANIDS.
tl;dr: Warhammer 40,000 stuff happened.
Report Ten: My Little Party Time: Necrophilia is Magic
This report comes from one of our many forays into the realm of Halo: Reach. Our team at the time consisted of Lancer, Brodie, Anon, Colin and Ell, fighting through many battles before encountering a foul enemy in the online world. While his rather unfortunate name 'bieber die now' wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was his bad habit of humping corpses that annoyed our heroes. Being the best possible examples of mankind anywhere ever, several members decided that the only way to punish this necrophile for his virtual crimes was to pay him back in kind. As such, while battling on the Boneyard map the team took their chance after most of their foe's team left the game, obviously too weak to combat their awesome battle skills. Soon, only our foe and two others remained to assault the base. Spotting the serial-teabagger creeping up on the base, Brodie leapt down and assassinated him. While he waited to respawn, he called over Lancer and Colin to share in the fun and happiness as the trio smashed the corpse to pieces with their codpieces. Because as we all know, the only way to deal with teabaggers isn't to ignore them, but to sink to even worse levels of depravity and pay them back in kind. What fun.
Report Eleven: The Jinx
T'was on a partly-cloudy Saturday afternoon that the light-colored bird linked up with HPT regulars ASniper, Actene, and finally Colin to be initiated through trial by fire. The day started off well, with the four-man band skunking all comers in Reach's Invasion mode even without the help of their two unnecessary, lazy-ass, AFK teammates. When they shifted into Infection games, however, their luck did not seem to follow them. After several rounds spent being split up between zombies and survivors (during which Sniper laughed his head off whilst repeatedly shooting zombie-Colin in teh head), all four finally wound up on the surviving side at once. Rejoicing in light of having four such skilled players united, Kestrl voiced his belief that high scores would soon rain down from the heavens. Even as he spoke, however, Colin found himself the first to be taken by a zombie's blade, no more than mere seconds after the round had begun. With chagrin, he then shrugged it off and consoled his remaining teammates that at least three of them were still alive. Of course, seconds later, Sniper found himself the next victim to be taken as Colin at last exacted his vengeance. Noticing the correlation, Kestrl decided to test the theory forming in each HPT member's mind by saying, "At least I've still got Actene." Immediately after despite his cry of alarmed protest ("Screw you, I'm out of here!"), Actene found himself victim to the curse before he could escape as he fell before a zombie's blade. Although amused by his discovery, the enjoyment was short-lived, as Sniper, Actene, and Colin proceeded to attack en masse and overrun him. The lesson to be learned here is NEVER TO LET KESTRL SAY ANYTHING POSITIVE. Naturally, as befitting any member of HPT, he regrets nothing.
Following their harrowing brush with the undead, the intrepid party decided to venture into the far less violent world of professional sports in search of fame and, more importantly, fortune. They quickly realized that their new profession was just as hazardous, if not more so, than the killing fields they had just departed. Another discovery made early on was the addition of jet packs to Halo's national pastime, creating an environment that some might refer to as being similar to a game played by college nerds worldwide, though it was mutually agreed upon that the inclusion of bone-crushing hammers and alien lightsabers made everything much less dorky. What followed was a series of one-sided asskickings, interspersed with a handful of one-sided asskickings coming from the other side of the playing field. The valiant athletes hacked and slashed their way through game after game, during which they agreed that Grifball is actually an elaborate front for Insurrectionist field training. After the evening's Grifball season and drawn to a close, the party was rewarded for their efforts, as is customary in professional sports, with a boatload of cash. And there was much rejoicing.
Report Twelve: The Battle of Jacobi
It was dark times for the UNSC. The Covenant have penetrated ever deeper into UNSC space, and in order to stem the tide, they sent in Fleet Admiral Ajax, Fleet Admiral LHF and Fleet Admiral Colin Davis. Maintaining communication with FTL communication systems, they set out, but were beset by the earliest planning error. They found themselves separated by a number of planetary systems inhabited by pirates, brigands, renegades and more.... gribbly creatures.
Nonetheless, they perceived. Admiral Ajax and Admiral LHF quickly secured a beachhead, pushing into pirate and Insurrectionist occupied systems, and removing them with extreme force, and building up their supply lines so they could continue their push. They would quickly link up, then proceed to press into Covenant occupied space. Their victorious became numerous, but were soon beset by a massive failing; Colin Davis.
The age old nemesis of the HPT, Davis' own ineptitude, let the UNSC down. While admiral Davis had expanded to a few systems, he became pinned in by two tiny, and utterly pitiful obstacles. To his northern boundary was a large pirate haven. While relatively few in number, the pirates had several powerful warships, and were guarding a vital supply of titanium and deuterium. Rather than send his sizeable fleet as one, single force, Davis decided it would be best to send his ships one at a time, starting with his frigates. Arriving in system individually, and facing overwhelming fire power, Davis' fleet began to drop, one by one. By the time his handful of cruisers arrived, they jumped into the debris field of what used to be their several dozen strong escort squadron, and found themselves horrendously out numbered, and out gunned. And like that, Davis' entire fleet was destroyed.
To his south, Davis faced a much more deadly, and pernicious threat. The forces of nature. So far his expansion allowed him to colonise a handful of asteroids, but now he came to a volcanic world. Confused and befuddled by its hostile environment, Davis elected to totally ignore it, and go no where near his southern territory, despite the general consensus between admirals acknowledging a large Covenant fleet down there. UNSC Engineer Corps insisted that for a small amount of materials, they could develop a means of colonising this world. Fleet Admiral Davis refused, and instead channelled all of his funding into building and sending ships at the pirates, one at a time. This plucky squadron of pirates, now with thirty+ kills under their belt, held under the barely threatening onslaught. Now with intelligence that a Covenant fleet was moving on his position, Admiral Davis refused orders to build defences, or take the volcanic world, and instead focused all his effort in failing miserably to take down 7 pirate ships.
Having defeated several Covenant fleets, and pushed into Covenant territory, Admirals LHF and Ajax began sending him supplies on the basis that he "Colonises that volcanic world, or I will shove a MAC so far up his ass...". Davis failed to do this. Fleet Admiral Ajax instead sent immediate military aid. Gathering the majority of his warships, he began to chart unknown territories to reach Admiral Davis' position, but unfortunately progress was slow. Fleet Admiral Davis, in a position of desperation, turned to Engineer Corp for a solution to his Volcanic problem. Solving the issue quickly, they gave him the necessary technology to proceed. Sending an overly optimistic captain with her colony ship, they flew into the midst of a massive Covenant invasion fleet. Now only two systems away from Fleet Admiral Davis' base of operations, the Covenant pressed on, glassing a number of undefended worlds with impunity. Throwing all of his meagre military might at them proved to do little to stall their advance. The heavily populated colony of Jacobi, went dark.
Now out numbered, and a third of their force gone, the UNSC was forced to retreat, abandoning millions of civilians to the genocidal wrath of the Covenant. And all of this, because Admiral Davis would not colonises one fucking planet.
It was a dark time for the HPT crew. Brodie, Colin, Sniper, and Actene had their backs against the wall at the fortress of Anvil Gate, fighting back the Locust and Lambent hordes while discussing Colonel Hoffman's questionable defensive strategies, the rather pregnable nature of the so-called impregnable fortress, and the merits of Karen Traviss's writing abilities. Pitted against a roided up Lambent Berserker, three of the squad members took up arms against the rampaging beast while Actene did his best to valiantly keep as many buildings, obstacles, and teammates meat-shields between himself and the fighting. Faced with the most irritating boss in the Gears of War franchise (it was decided that this was Karen Traviss's fault) and several checkpoint-resetting deaths (it was decided that these were Colin's fault), the crew decided to enact the timeless and wholly legitimate strategy of the rage quit. Furious that the game had obviously conspired to unfairly defeat them, Brodie suggested a challenge more worthy of HPT's elite qualifications: a Halo 3 campaign runthrough on Easy.
This valiant crusade started out well enough. Earth, the most invaded planet in the galaxy, had indeed been invaded by the Covenant fleet and it was up to the HPT team to see if the game did indeed play itself on the Easy setting. Brodie assumed the role of the last Spartan this one random Spartan called Master Chief while Actene donned the armor of the holy alien warrior known as the Arbiter. Colin and Sniper then became those two other aliens with detailed backstories that nobody really cares about and may or may not even be canon anymore. Fighting through the African jungle with ease befitting warriors of their stature, the team mercilessly cut down scores of Covenant soldiers and agreed that for all his bluster, Johnson sure does get captured a lot and that for a vicious empire known for not taking prisoners the Covenant sure does take prisoners a lot. With the sergeant rescued (again) the team set out to regroup with humanity's most capable tactician, Miranda Keyes, at the impregnable fortress known as Crow's Nest.
Upon arriving in this last bastion of the human resistance, the team agreed that the opening cutscene was full of innuendo and that Miranda should really be more specific when directing her forces, as "to war" is not a valid address when plugged into a GPS system. Unfortunately, Crow's Nest turned out to be just as pregnable as Anvil Gate and the team once again set out to plug the breach while hoping the lambent Berserker hadn't jumped games for Round Five. But as they made their way towards the fighting, they were shocked when the friendly neighborhood Marines turned their guns on them and opened fire. Unbeknownst to the rest of the team, they had a traitor in their midst: Actene had, shockingly, remained behind in the control center, seized a rifle, and proceeded to slaughter every Marine in site. While Actene laughed his ass off, the rest of the team fought their way through Covenant and Marines alike to secure the hangar bay. Fortunately, the Marines were a forgiving sort and decided that aliens who randomly kill you once in a while were better than aliens who randomly kill you all the time. But Actene's treachery only gave way to more shenanigans. With the hangar secured, Colin and Sniper began to engage in the timeless Sangheili custom of taking turns at killing each other. As the anthropologically inclined Brodie classified this activity as "some sort of mating ritual," the team somehow managed to fight their way through the rest of the base while dealing with the newfound peril of surprise backstabbing. For the second time that night, the team became privy to the genius military strategy of "blowing up a huge bomb in the middle of your own base" and had to flee out through the base of the mountain.
In the biggest plot twist of gaming in 2014, the team actually managed to do a halfway decent job of making it down Tsavo Highway in spite of annoying rush hour Covenant traffic and arriving at the town of Voi in order to assist with Lord Hood's brilliant plan of launching a full-on assault against the entire Covenant fleet with three frigates and a few Longsword squadrons (clearly humanity's military high command was just as competent as the HPT task force doing its grunt work). This celebration of military competence was interrupted when the Flood crashed the party. The team sprang into action, surprising everyone by actually saving some Marines before linking up with the Elites to save Cortana's fragment from the crashed Flood ship.
Report Fourteen: The Ponana/Batato
"Aw, ain't you just da cutest widdle thiiing?"
―ASniper, reviving AOA for the eighth (ninth?) time.
In August of 2014, Colin, Ajax, ASniper, and Anon would join forces against the Reapers in Mass Effect 3's multiplayer. This went expectedly terrible.
Ajax and ASniper (but mostly Ajax) carried the team while Colin screamed and cried whenever anything tougher than a basic trooper tried to attack him, and while Anon did much of the same whilst simultaneously attempting to relearn the controls. Anon began to do slightly better when he decided to play his preferred (albeit incredibly underpowered) Human Male Soldier build, but this caused him to be bullied mercilessly criticized by Ajax due to the fact that he chose to wield the basic M-8 Avenger assault rifle. Finally, Anon would get fed up with Ajax's constant verbal abuse take Ajax's suggestions into consideration and change to his newly acquired Volus Adept character.
Unfortunately for Anon, everybody decided to ready up while he was setting up his character, and the game started before he was able to save his build. This had the incredibly unfortunate consequence of forcing Anon to play the next match while stuck as a power-dependent character who had no useful biotic powers, but who did have minimal barriers or health and nothing to defend himself with except an SMG which was only effective at close range. The fact that Anon's character was a member of a diminutive alien species with a round, pudgy body and stubby arms and legs only added insult to injury. And thus began a long, entertaining match consisting largely of Anon screaming obscenities at friend and foe alike while running around the map and getting downed EVERY. THIRTY. FUCKING. SECONDS. FUCK.
Following this match, Anon decided not to have an aneurysm and stopped playing Mass Effect 3 for a while, and the other three went off to play an all Volus match, although presumably with characters that were not completely and utterly useless.
Report Fifteen: All Your Base Will Be Built By Us
In the early days of September, a call was given to gather the members of HPT for a much needed reunion upon the battlegrounds of Halo 4. All concurred, but when the day at last came, numerous users were missing or delayed. Ajax presided over the lobby and gathered the best team he could: LOMI, Brodie and ASniper. With others taking their sweet time to arrive, they embarked on a great and noble quest: to shamelessly grind for challenges set out and defeat Spartan Ops.
Loading up the first chapter of Episode 6, the quartet was struck immediately by their greatest foe: lag. Battling through the alien hordes, Ajax destroyed them with sheer terror at his gribbliness while LOMI staggered around, half-blinded by low frame rates.
Despite this, the team pressed on and all went well until Ajax gained a Ghost. It was then that LOMI suddenly discovered his secret Ghost-attracting powers, causing Ajax to repeatedly splatter his ally again and again. Resigned to his fate, LOMI survived the unwilling team kills as best he could while the rest of the HPT'ers cut a path through the Covenant.
Eventually, the team succeeded, and with the arrival of Stel they decided that it was at time to quit killing LOMI with Ghosts move on to a more noble task: forming the Grand Fortress Headquarters of the Halo Fanon Empire.
In a bid to stop the chaos, LOMI called upon the ancient fanservicey powers of the Sen-I-Soshitsu and summoned a massive scissor blade to cut through his opponents... this was, sadly, less than effective. ASniper also attempted to quell the chaos by spawning the gigantic Sniping Tree - his variation of the Giving Tree - but again, this only agitated the problem.
Brodie, meanwhile, took the pacifist's route and retreated to a low corner of the map where he began to build his own small fortress, the "HPT Clubhouse." Unfortunately, Ajax was less than impressed. In fact, he decided that trolling on Brodie and toying with the clubhouse was far more fun than the war above, until the war moved down to the clubhouse itself.
True tragedy struck, however, when Ajax added not just one but all of the visual effects to the map... and then promptly lost them in the chaos, unable to revert the changes. After several minutes of screaming and blame pointing, LOMI and Brodie managed to unlock and delete everything, resetting the world and the task to square one.
When efforts began again, a massive fortress was planned instead of small pieces everywhere. Ajax began masterminding it while LOMI added onto it and Brodie built a new private residence, completely with friendly Kill Balls. All was going well, until ASniper and Stel put their minds together and began attacking everyone with the most dastardly of all forms of weapons: the fabled flying Australian machine gunner.
What happened next is unsure, but in the end, all was destroyed and bodies lay everywhere. The lesson to be learned here is that, no matter what, Australian's should never be given machine guns.
Report Sixteen: Buttmaster Extreme, Return Of The Lambent Berzerkle
"She's back! Run! Run for your lives and kill-death ratios!"
As the onset of the new school year came about, and the wordsmith warriors comprising Halo Party Time settled into dorms and weekly scholarly routines, a summit was called by Actene to combat the dullness of daily life before they were overburdened too greatly by paperwork. Brodie, LOMI, and ASniper responded, and as soon as they ventured online, so did Colin, because somehow, he just always knows. Having exactly five players, and Actene recently downloading a compatibility pack for about the seventh time, the group elected to play Gears of War 3's infamous Horde mode for some co-op fun against the overwhelming odds without the obvious, unfair technological advantage held by the Covenant. As with their Halo multiplayer armor, the team took their painstaking time in the menus selecting the characters they'd be bringing to this fight, careful to diversify their avatars between LOMI's selection of Augustus Cole, Sniper's portrayal of Minh Young Kim, and Brodie's gender-offsetting use of Bernie Mataki. Of course, when they were dropped into the game, Epic Games' sinister multiplayer design conspired against them to make them all play as Marcus Fenix! Except Colin, for some reason, who remained a Carmine. Check y'damn privilege, Epic Games.
Nevertheless, deciding that just playing was preferable to another half-hour spent in menus setting up the game (as is the norm). At first, it was going well, with wave after wave falling before the party's expert use of chainsaw bayonets, Vulcan machine guns, and eventually even a Silverback in aid of their cause. Their relentless assault upon the Locust's collective health and pride came to a screeching halt, however, upon reaching the Boss Wave. A cry which would've curdled the blood of lesser men went up, sounding the arrival of a Lambent Berserker. Though their harrowing encounter from Report Thirteen lingered in the back of each player's mind, the heroes steeled themselves for the battle ahead and charged in without a hint of fear . . . except for Colin, who had gone AFK.
What followed was a bloody massacre the likes of which even the infamously-gory Gears of War had never seen. A tactical error by Actene, who'd been given the Silverback as a way to make up for the Locust secret weapon targeting him specifically, brought him right in front of the beast, and a slam or two from the biceps on its biceps later, he was the team's first unfortunate casualty as he was consumed in the blast of his doomed mech. Without their mobile heavy weapon, Brodie, LOMI, and ASniper were forced to rely on HPT's legendary skill in coordination! As ASniper took aim for the exposed, glowing, pulsating heart] in its chest and ended up spraying down its invulnerable outer shell, LOMI called upon Brodie for cover while he ran in to expose its weak point with a flamethrower. Unbeknownst to LOMI, however, Brodie had retreated for lack of ammunition, leaving the brave LOMI to be flattened underfoot as the irate Berserker gave chase to a panicked ASniper. Brodie returned, but was only in time to see ASniper round a corner before a flying leap by the Berserker tore him limb from limb, and following the Actenist school of philosophy on fighting, spoke, "Fuck that shit!" and turned the other way.
LOMI, on the other hand, wasn't quite dead yet, and crawled across the intestine-strewn battleground with the lifeblood sapping from his chest until he reached Colin, who in merely standing had somehow managed to escape all Locust notice. Unfortunately, Colin's saving grace of absence left LOMI to bleed to death at his feet. As Carmine stood impassively by, one could have sworn a tear leaked out from under the Gear's helmet. These are the actions of a real hero. A real human bean. Meanwhile, Brodie found back his courage around the same time he found a bigger gun, and turned the full fury of the weapon upon the mutated, inhuman hellspawn that had taken the lives of his closest friends. Unfortunately, it did about as much good as a Snub Pistol, and having backed himself into a corner, Brodie was summarily disemboweled without his consent. This left the four present players in a ghost camera mode to watch as the Berserker walked about as calmly as a twelve-foot pillar of muscle and rage could across the whole of the map to where Colin was still standing and cutting a noble figure against the horizon. The adversaries stared each other down for a minute as an understanding passed between them, of all that had been done, of all they were responsible for--before the Berserker beat Colin into a bloody mess so thoroughly that most orange juices had more pulp by the time it was over.
For a beating of such magnitude, it was concluded by the four players that this could be no ordinary Lambent Berserker. This was the same entity which had accosted them prior and dealt them such a humiliating defeat, and one who would no doubt come after them again. Collectively nursing these grievous wounds to body and ego, the four present players found they had to start a new party as Colin had been hosting, and after a stern word with some Epic executives, redeployed as their chosen characters. Soon after, they were rejoined by Colin, who inquired about the outcome of their last match, only to be met with vague and grieved replies of, "Don't ask." Again, they joined battle with the Locust. Again, they cleaved through wave after wave. And again, the pants-soiling screech was heard as the Lambent Berserker found HPT's newly-staked claim in the online battlefield.
Knowing they would never be rid of this menace and hounded for all their days if they did not face the monster, our heroes active-reloaded their Lancers and braced for the worst. The Berserker burst through solid-steel walls for the chance to get at her foes, ham-fists and spear-tipped tendrils poised to tear through flesh and bone. For the following few minutes, reality within this distant corner of XBox Live's servers became no more to its inhabitants than a constant cycle of tucking, rolling, cover-vaulting, screaming, and the ever-present roar of Lancer fire and the Berserker herself. Both sides seemed evenly matched, until the scales dropped drastically in the Berserker's favor. ASniper was a little too slow with a dodge, his sniper's situational awareness costing him dearly, and in rushing forth to save him, Colin was caught in the maelstrom of toxic blood and deadly flailing. As the remaining heroes backpedaled rapidly to adjust their tactics, LOMI was overtaken before he could properly readjust, and perished buying time for his fellows. While Actene and Brodie deliberated on a new course of action, they made the mistake of losing sight of the beast for just a moment, and Brodie paid for it with his last virtual life. Alone with the monster, Actene finally declared enough was enough.
And led the terror from the deepest circle of hell in a merry game of ring-around-the-rosie. What his tactic lacked in chivalric bravery, it more than made up for in effectiveness, as unlike the team's previous strategies, this did not result in Actene's death. However, while the Berserker could not get in close enough to harm him, Actene's lone rifle didn't seem to be capable of dealing his foe enough damage. Colin, at this point, realized he'd apparently earned himself more money than God, because he had enough to buy his way back to life, and ran to Actene's aid, only to be pummeled again by the Berserker perhaps a minute later. Deeply offended by the waste of such an enviable quantity of money, Actene was driven to finally dispatch the beast with a ring-around-the-rosey game fast enough to make the Berserker's head spin. As it gurgled and thrashed in its violent death throes, a cheer went up from all who saw from beyond the veil of death as the beast who'd surely haunt their nightmares for the rest of time exploded, as you do when you're lambent. For giving the party such a hard time, it was decided that their foe should be given a name to honor it, and as the champion who'd slain the beast, Actene was given the right to decide on its title. Who suggested Buttmaster Extreme is lost to memory, but Actene accepted it, inscribing it on the hastily-constructed post left to mark where the creature fell. There are those, however, who believe Buttmaster is not dead, merely using such a blinding explosion to escape into the XBox Live underground, where she'll brood until she's strong enough to strike fear into the hearts of Halo Party Time members once again.
Report Seventeen: Halo CE Adventures, and Spartan Ops bleugh
"Yep. You can now add yourself to the Halo Party Time page."
―Brodie making Chak the happiest person in the world.
Report Eighteen: Swords of the Salty
After a long delay in team games, part of the HPT crew convened in Halo 5 for an epic contest of strength, skill, and general dickery. Following several games of Warzone Assault with varying degrees of success, the decision was made to move to Custom Games for a good 'ol swordfight. What ensued was a chaotic mess of stabs, slashes and brutal murders. Despite the slaughter, everyone had good fun.
Report Nineteen: Grand Theft Fabricator
T'was the launch week of Gears of War 4, and Anon had gathered together Brodie, Ajax, Colin, and Colin's buddy Ian for some Horde in the latest installment of Microsoft's award-winning franchise about impossibly muscular men killing underground monsters while swearing. The afternoon of fun began simply enough, with the group defending Grand Wizard Colin's slave-tended plantation from DeeBees and Locust 2.0 the Swarm. Things began to go south for the group when Ian had to leave to go to work, leaving the team one player short. The game continued on well enough for a while, barring a few instances of Ajax dyinghorribly and the others recording it forlater enjoyment like some kind of snuff film, things took a real turn for the worse when the group reached wave 20. A Snatcher spawned in, corralling our heroes at the top of the map, and quickly pulling them one-by-one into its horrific, tentacled belly-vagina. This repeated several times until the team changed tactics and relocated to the side of the map as it was more open, at which point they proceeded to have exactly the same shit luck. Agreeing that the dreaded Buttmaster Extreme had more than likely reincarnated as a Snatcher and come to once more ruin their day, the group decided to cut their losses and back out to the lobby and then enter a matchmade Horde game instead. And thus our story truly begins.
The team was set up alongside a fine gentleman using a pink lancer and a Zombie Dom skin, and the game started as usual, with Brodie rushing to move the all-important fabricator to a defensible position. However, once the fabricator was moved to a satisfactory location, Ajax, perhaps salty about the others taking pleasure in his misfortune in the match before, decided to stand in the middle of the fabricator as Brodie tried to set it down, preventing it from being usable. After a few moments of trying to move the fabricator away from Ajax to no avail, Brodie gave up, setting the fabricator down. Seizing the opportunity to throw the game further down the Henderson scale, Ajax grabbed the fabricator and ran away with it, running circles around the map and further preventing the use of the fabricator to produce fortifications.
After several waves of running around the map with the fabricator, Brodie following close behind and pleading for him to set it down, Ajax finally accidentally dropped the fabricator, which then fell into the hands of Colin. Unfortunately for Brodie, however, Colin's intentions for the fabricator were no more productive than Ajax's, and Colin then proceeded to run around the map with the fabricator, Brodie following close behind and pleading for him to set it down.
Finally, just before the tenth wave, the fabricator was set down in a defensible position and was used to build two turrets, which were soon used to take down a Kestrel helicopter in the boss wave. After the boss wave, however, one of the turrets was left unattended, until several waves later, at which point Brodie realized it had mysteriously disappeared. With no energy having been dropped in its place, the turret had obviously not been destroyed, so it was obvious that someone had taken it. In response Brodie and Anon scoured the map, eventually finding the turret all the way on the opposite side of the map from where it had been originally constructed. Neither Colin nor Ajax would accept blame for the treachery, but when Brodie returned the turret to its rightful location, neither the Fabricator nor Colin were anywhere to be found. That was, until Colin was shown to have been killed somewhere off to the side of the map. Curious, Brodie went to investigate, and found Colin's corpse lying directly beside the stolen fabricator.
At this point, Brodie was done with Colin's shit, and ordered him to cease his shenanigans, and Colin reluctantly complied. The game went on fairly normally, albeit with their fortifications seemingly dissappearing at an oddly fast pace. However, the team this time thought nothing of it. That was, until the next boss wave, when Colin revealed that he and Zombie Dom faggot were at a "second base", where they were thinning out the Swarm forces. Not remembering having constructed a second base, Anon proceeded to lose his shit, especially when he learned that Colin had taken his beloved sentry turret and gotten it destroyed. At this point, the entire team was fucking done with this bullshit, and ordered Colin to return all surviving fortifications to their original locations, which Colin did, all the while insisting that he had done nothing wrong, and also mentioning something about how he supposedly believed the holocaust to have been an accident.
After this, the game again proceeded as normal, with the team now keeping an extra close eye on Colin, the fabricator, and their fortifications. Eventually, however, Colin had to leave for dinner, and when he did, we're sure that Anon, Brodie, Ajax, and perhaps even Zombie Dom faggot breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Report Twenty: Spontaneous Server Hopping
"Stay still, Brodie! Echo, you have disappointed me for the last time! Sev, stop sniping me and get out of the Dahm tank!"
―One very loud Distant Tide.
On the day of which Halo: Infinite was announced and the mythical event known as "E3" was occurring out in Los Angeles, Western USA or something like that, that a group of tired, worn and tough heroes by the names of LoyalHaloFan, Distant Tide, Sev40, Echowaffle8, and Brodie-001 would gather upon the controversial grounds of Halo Online. Commonly referred to as "El Dorito", they decided to do this because the wait between the Microsoft and the Bethesda Press Conferences was simply too long to bear. Because that's what it was; a Dorito. Do not question this report's authenticity.
With vocal support from Anonymous ONI agent and Sev's family, the heroes pushed through dozens of server hops with the intention of coming together to celebrate the end of the Halo News Drought Season. There were many talks of hosting servers, with either the servers not working at all or lag striking down our heroes. It ended with the decision that playing online servers on Halo Online was the only way to go. They played popular battle scenarios such as Infection, Slayer, Assault, Capture The Flag, and Juggernaut upon hollowed grounds like Guardian, Standoff, Valhalla, High Ground, and Sandtrap. They also played on some fan-made maps like the spawn-camping Something-Blitz and the horrid clusterfuck of Sacred. It was a good time, accented by Distant Tide's screams of childish joy and drowned out comments of the deadly Brodie-001 who spoke barely over endless gunfire.
Minigames were missed but the lag was always at fault for struggling to find proper servers. Distant Tide had to carry his team and was constantly disappointed in his driver-friend Echowaffle8 who has been found to be only good at driving. Sev proved his love for tanks. LHF, showing his dedication to his lord and savior, Bethesda, took off early. Sev really, really likes tanks. And everyone had a decent time. At the end of the night, a struggle was had where the last four: Sev, Brodie, Distant, and Echo were stuck trying to find something meaningful to hold onto to catalog this day of celebration. They ended up on the Halo Online map reactor with lots of guns and took some photos of them being seemingly badass superheroes, even though they were all imbeciles and that's not a bias from the overly-critical Distant Tide at all. All that can be said is that everyone enjoyed themselves, and to this day Echo and Distant are still baffled how this all started with a discussion about playing Grand Theft Auto: Online.
Halo Fanon Team Bios
WARNING: ALL THE BIOS YOU SEE BELOW ARE 100% FACTUAL. PROBABLY.
Born on a planet far, far away from Earth, Brodie originally belonged to the dominant race there until he was disqualified (for shoving) at a young age. From there, he was raised by wolves until he became old enough to look after himself. He was eventually able to build a functioning spaceship out of rocks, twigs, wolf hide and a lack of scientific understanding and used it to travel to a backwater planet named Earth. Brodie arrived on this strange planet as an old man in the year 499, and was immediately struck by lightening after stepping out of his ramshackle spacecraft. Luckily, Brodie survived due to unknown reasons and was miraculously rejuvenated as a young man. The next few centuries were rather boring, largely due to a lack of internet connection and such. Brodie attempted to travel around the globe, but only made it to Calais before turning back to the small, rainy island he called home.
Things got relatively interesting in the 16th Century when a number of extraterrestrial beings attacked nearby. He was abducted and taken to Yhudu IV, a planet populated entirely by creatures that resembled Deer, but had a unique biology that functioned like Spaghetti. It turned out that Brodie had been abducted to broker a truce between the denizens of Yhudu IV and their mortal enemies, who had been fighting with them for centuries. After lengthy negotiations, he was able to win the war, though he died in the process. Because of reasons, this rebirth gave him unique spaghettification powers, which he used to transport the remaining Weedians to Earth where they could live in peace. He was declared High Lord of Yhudu IV, but soon got bored and returned to Earth a few months later.
Brodie's skills as a pilot had not improved with age.
He amused himself on the island of Madagascar for sixty years, fighting off settlers and defending the delicious indigenous species, which he kept for himself. Sadly they all somehow perished; they were certainly not eaten. Brodie's life was then spent trying to get back home, something that took a long time due to him getting lost while sailing and ending up in Uruguay. The next few centuries passed quietly, barring the various wars, plagues, strife and so on occurring elsewhere. In the early 20th Century, he began sailing up the Atlantic Ocean with the intent of returning home, but was rudely interrupted when a larger boat struck his. Annoyed by this, Brodie decided to fire off a warning shot of concentrated spaghetti, and accidentally sunk it. He was thrown from his own craft and died of hypothermia in the ocean that very night. His sixth resurrection occurred soon after, is corpse sealed within a tomb of hardened spaghetti for a number of weeks until he ended up on the mainland. With a frightening near-death experience behind him, he managed to gain passage to Italy after some confusion, though he believed that this was largely due to the Spaghetti he had turned up wielding. The adventures during this two year period could be listed here, but won't be because of reasons.
The rest of the 20th Century was rather turbulent for Brodie, from a holiday in Serbia being ruined in 1914 to an unfortunate misunderstanding over a missile delivery order a few decades later. Brodie managed to finally get back to England in 1990 after being imprisoned behind a bothersome obstacle in Eastern Europe. He soon felt at home and re-integrated into the culture he had been away from for hundreds of years. The next few years were spent living in this modern society from the safety of his lair deep beneath the streets of London. Brodie became very interested in video games towards the dawn of the 21st Century, particularly one that he believed to be based on his own life years ago.. Years on the Internet led to his involvement in a number oftrends over the years, during which he stumbled across a quaint little website for writing. Following several years as part of the community there, Brodie was among the founding members of the HF-Team when it formed in 2012. For severalreasons he was elected as the group leader after a unanimous voteglorious revolutiondivine intervention Colin said so. While not leading this motley group on the battlefield, he enjoys writing excessively long character biographies. Like this one.
Born in the timeline now being retroactively referred to as Earth-142, Colin founded and led a great corporation of massive proportions, known as Davis Inc. The company made many advances in technology. During a test for experimental dimension crossing technology, Colin fell into the portal, which was followed by the spontaneous destruction of the portal generator.
From the mildly nippy climate of South-East Australia comes the wild "Stellar", whose name is feared by all, and is both the saviour and the destroyer. First coming into his own in early 2010, The Stellar graced the wikia with naivety, but quickly grew savvy and became a machinator in his own right, winning a singular Annual Award by the end of his golden age. He disappeared the following two years, but the long-awaited prophecy has been answered: he was return in late 2012 to begin a crusade of writeousness.
Eventually he found the means to create this fantastic temporal anomaly again, only to end up a good 38,000 years into the future and into a large room with a golden toilet with a mummified, skeletal husk resting upon it. He started snooping around before walking up to the big chair and kicked it, causing something to fall out of place. Fearing the worst, he again opened the portal and found himself in the year of 2010, where he discovered this marvel of technological ingenuity known only as the Internet, and from there on in is history.
Anonymous ONI agent
Date of birth
Never (transcends time and space)
Date of death
Mystical Shapeshifting Interdimensional Space Fruit
Large quantities of potassium
Part of a healthy diet
Chronological and political information
All of them
Shaped like a—nevermind.
Is the reason why 'blender' is Colin's least favorite word
First spotted in northwestern Minnesota in 1994, AOA was discovered when he rode into a gas station atop a grizzly bear, brandishing an XM25 and wearing nothing aside from a very unhappy albino raccoon tied to his head with fishing line. Upon entering the gas station, he proceeded to scream "אויב מיין לעפל איז געמאכט פון אַז קרעם דעמאָלט ווי טאָן איך עסן מיין ייַז קרעם" repeatedly at the cashier. He was quickly taken into custody by the police, but not before he destroyed seven squad cars with his XM25.
Shortly after his arrest, AOA was taken out of the custody of the local authorities by the US Office of Naval Intelligence. The ONI personnel informed AOA that they were aware of his true identity, which was that he was actually an immensely powerful interdimensional being whose true form was that of a member of the Musa acuminata species, and that he had recently arrived in our universe after leaving an alternate universe in which he conquered the Czech Republic so that he could use the nation's populace as currency. They also offered AOA a job as an ONI agent. This was because ONI sucks in real life and thus never gets any cool shit like the CIA does, and hence wanted something cool for themselves, even if it was an immortal shapeshifting space banana from another dimension that could potentially compromise national security. This was how AOA earned his trademark moniker, "Anonymous ONI agent".
AOA served ONI well until 2009, when he discovered a magical invention called "the Internet", and proceeded to become fat, lazy, and useless, resulting in him being fired by ONI. One year later, while searching the web for porn things that totally weren't porn, AOA discovered a site called Halo Fanon. It was through this site that AOA found himself joining the ranks of the elite Halo Fanon Team.
As of 2015 Anon has been assimilated into some kind of demented cult, for he now goes into periodic rants about a "PC master race" as well as his apparent hatred for "console peasants". No one knows exactly what the fuck his fucking problem is happened to cause this or what it means for the rest of the Party Time crew, but it seems his sanity is quickly deteriorating. Rumor has it that the mere mention of the Xbox One will cause him to enter a violent, frothing rage, for which the only answer is to sedate him until he can be calmed down with sweet whisperings of 1080p+ resolutions, 60+ framerates, and multi-monitor setups.
"I don't always build superweapons, but when I do, I build them to wipe out my entire race, and repopulate every other species in the galaxy."
Descended from a long line of farmboys who looked skyward, the entity that would one day be named Sniper wandered from the mist-drenched forests of the Pacific Northwest late in 1993. Initially, he was mistaken for Bigfoot and was forced to go into hiding for years, during which he would discover shaving. Attracted by the local legend, Sniper was accosted by two brothers driving a black Impala and for a short time joined them in their cross-country adventures, learning the trade of sharpshooting by hunting down all manner of beasties, which included abominations spawned from ripples in the fabric of reality created by other future HPT members. Convinced the incidents were connected, he parted ways with the brothers after disagreeing with them on the matter, as well as which diner had the best french fries. While the brothers went on to have a mildly popular TV show, Sniper learned the mysterious entities were gathering in a newborn frontier named the Internet. To combat them, he departed to New York City and acquired what the lore he researched suggested would have an effect in that realm: Web shooters.
Entering the electronic dimension via what looked like a Gameboy, Sniper came to the Halo Fanon Wiki by way of a wrong turn on the information superhighway, and spent several years lurking quietly in the background with his own machinations. At last, he made his first continuous string of appearances on the Irk in 2012, and at last located his quarries. And also the people he'd been looking for. While his first action was to attempt assassinating them, he somehow was unfortunately entangled in the series of shenanigans which would get the lot of them court-martialed and excommunicated by the very tribunal Sniper was a part of. This paradox has never been explained, but he seems to blame Colin or Stel for the events. At any rate, Sniper accepted that for better or worse, he was stuck with this misfit crew, and fell in among them as the team's long-range specialist.
Ell is a former Keyblade wielder who lost all privileges of said magical weapon after using it to open the Chamber of Secrets. She went into exile after learning many terrible Secrets, most notably that Ling Ling's head was never actually recovered and has been replaced by a fake. In this long and laborious exile, she attempted to create her own door to Narnia using a glitchy Stargate as a template. However, she miscalculated and was portal'd to the far distant past, where she was taken prisoner by the Forerunners and used in experiments with the Flood. She escaped infection by reciting Vogon poetry to the Timeless One, which gnawed off seven of its own appendages before banishing her to an alternate universe with Precursor Space Bullshit Magick.
Upon arriving in this alternate universe, Ell assumed the name Shepard and lived a carefree life romancing NPCs, punching reporters and buying model starships until the Reapers threatened to end the human race. She destroyed them by summoning Nyan Cat, who proceeded to fuse with the Crucible and blast lethal RAINBOWS which obliterated the Reapers in a massive burst of pop tart filling. This explosion created a temporal anomaly which catapulted her to the year 2010, and she attended college in order to gather evidence of Templar influence in the American education system. It was during this deep cover mission that she became part of Halo Fanon, where she continues to dabble in fanfiction to this day. Her objective is now to ascertain the location of Treasure Planet and rally a crew for the expedition, which will also include finding Ling Ling's head.
Ell's assets are many and varied, including but not limited to the following: the Tenth Doctor's sonic, the information-gathering AI Cleverbot, an army of Emus which remains undefeated to this day, a Palantir, and the Fist of Rukt. She is allergic to mummies. Her fighting style is mostly picking off stragglers or operating vehicles she is definitely not certified to drive. She is not known for her subtlety or her skill with precision weapons. Attempting to read her mind may result in cerebral hemorrhage, vivid hallucinations, the sudden urge to yodel, or exploding eyeballs. She works for Disney World and feeds the souls of naughty children to The Dark One in her spare time.
"At least I still have [INSERT NAME OF SOON TO BE DECEASED TEAMMATE]"
―Kestrl once again proceeds to be his own teams downfall
Born of the cold and damp British Islands comes the man known only as, The Pale Kestrl. No one know's where Kestrl came from when he wandered out from the empty fields of Britain into the spot light of internet to do battle with it's foul mouthed inhabitance. Some say that he was formed during the first tumultuous seconds of the universes creation as the source of all gentlemanliness. Others believe that he was born from genetic engineering in a far off land to lead humanity into a golden age. Some yet still maintain that he comes from a long line of noble warrior gentlemen sworn to forever face off against their eternal enemy, the poor people. No one knows for sure for Kestrl is a man consumed by his mission...whatever it is, and has no time to discuss the nature of his crusade with others.
Recently it has occurred to him that he may not be able to complete his mission alone, the internet is a vast place covered in those that need a good smiting. To this end he has set forth to find others that share his same vision, ones he could count on in the dark times ahead. One of the groups that he discovered during his travels was the HPT Team. Seeing the potential for good in the men and women there in the Lord Gentleman attached himself to them seeking to turn their writing and martial talents to acts of great good and gentlemanliness. Kestrl knows that dark times are approaching and one day and all would be tested greatly in the fires of a war unlike anything that has come before.
On the battlefield Kestrl acts in a way that his personality wouldn't suggest. Though quiet in demeanour Kestrl in full battle frenzy is akin to a sword. Charging at the enemy, brandishing either a weapon of sufficiently high fire-power or something designed to get up close with the hated foe, he will smash all asunder moving from target to target like a whirlwind of blows and bullets. Few can withstand such an attack for when the Lord of Gentlemen is on the march, non can stay his wrath....well mostly.
Date of birth
65 Million BC/Dawn of the Universe/November 3, 1944
(Multiverse problems, yo)
Be it Stel's famous party trick with a Ghost, Kestrl's curse-activating optimism, or Ajax's unfathomable gribblyness, the members of Halo Party Time frequently find themselves to be their own worst enemies. Kills, objective points, and entire matches have been lost due to the squabbling of these mighty heroes like Moa over a berry. When they manage to turn six people screaming over a poor-quality XBox Live mic into genuine communication, the group can cooperate extraordinarily, but more often than not, rather than being well-oiled, their machine is dunked in the drum and lit on fire before being cranked to 11 and pushed through the red zone. While the resulting explosion never gains them anything, one must admit that it's invariably a sight to see.
A relatively recent enemy in the long history of Halo Party Time, the Butthurt Triumvirate is the name given to a trio of individuals known for harassing the team from time to time. Infused with dark powers and the ability to bitch out everyone and everything, this group of mysterious individuals have clashed against the HPT team and somehow survived their encounters unscathed. As such, the group has dedicated themselves to the eventual destruction of these nefarious foes and works tirelessly to eliminate them. We all live with the hope that one day we will rid the world of these monsters, bringing light and happiness back to Party Time.
Ajax lives a lonely life up on the Wall, keeping a look out for the Wildings north of the wall. Due to the distance from civilization, his internet is..... lacking. In fact, in any game, he blames anything and all events on it. Somebody shoots him? fucking lag. Somebody assassinates him. Fucking lag. Somebody plays better than him, must be mother fucking lag. While it lacked the oomph of LOMI's Stop Time abilities (See: ZA WARUDO), it was nonetheless annoying.
Ajax resolved to repair this injustice. Conducting a dark ritual, he sapped the internet of other Halo Fanon users, entirely draining all of Brodie and Actene's internet power. Gaining unlimited power, his internet became all-powerful, and overcame his lag to become all powerful. Except against people who lag. Oh well.
Allies of the Party Time
Colonel Victor "Nope" Hoffman
Colonel Hoffman is a veteran commander hardened by years of struggling against the butthurt hordes. His long list of military achievements include letting a bunch of rapists and pedophiles out of prison, helping to sink his own capital city, and detonating a huge bomb in the middle of his own fortress. His relationship with the HPT crew is a rocky one, mainly due to his chronic inability to get his wrinkled ass over to revive them during firefights. Some of his other heinous crimes include being a fake-surrender cheaty-pants and not really having much bearing on the plot at all. Although Hoffman is no saint, the HPT have been assured that he feels really, really bad about all of the stuff he's done.
"Anders and the mages did nothing, beep boop, beep boop"
―Brodie 2.0, affirming that nobody did anything wrong
As Brodie was unable to join the crew for a session of Borderlands 2 one day, the others decided to replace him with a robot named Brodie 2.0, represented in-game by Gaige the Mechromancer's 'Deathtrap' robot. Spouting phrases that Brodie would probably say - supporting genocide, denying war crimes and so on - he remained as the unofficial fourth party member for several sessions while the real Brodie, who was also in the party at the time, was forced to play singleplayer games.
Halo Fanon Dad
"See, you boys write some fine fan fiction. Not like my good for nothing son, which is why I had the servants beat him."
―Halo Fanon Dad, talking about his love of the wiki
Halo Fanon Dad is an enigma. Spawned from a joke one day, he is a supportive father who holds quality fan-fiction in the highest regard and enjoys treating the members of HPT. Fabulously wealthy, his one shame in life is his son, who fell to the Butthurt Triumvirate years ago after writing terrible fanfic and was disowned in favour of the HPT crew. He is rarely mentioned by group these days, having perhaps reconciled with his child at last or been forgotten about as a one-off joke that somehow ended up here.
Official Halo Party Time Soundtrack
A list of tracks that are repeatedly mentioned or played during our gaming sessions.
02. TUMBLING DOWN TUMBLING DOWN TUMBLING DOWN (LOMI's daily reminder that End of Evangelion was amazing.)
03. Rap is the Soul of a Man! Perk Up Your Earholes and Listen REAL Close to the Theme of Lord Kamina, the Man of Raging Billows Who Believes in Himself and Points to Heaven!! (For fighting the powah normally.)
04. Rap is the Soul of a Man! Go Beyond the Impossible and Kick Reason to the Curb! Perk Up Your Earholes and Listen REAL Close to the Theme of Our Team Dai-Gurren!! (For fighting the powah while hyped.)