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Halo: Ruined FOREVER

Revision as of 21:50, 1 March 2020 by Brodie-001 (talk | contribs) (We should get to updating this soon fellas)
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 This article, Halo: Ruined FOREVER, was created by various members of Halo Fanon. Therefore it is not any user's specific property but belongs to the members of the community, who helped create this article and its content.
Super optimal The author of this article, Halo: Ruined FOREVER, urges anyone who reads it to provide feedback on the quality of the article. Thank you!
"Dear Sarge: kicking ass in outer space, wish you were here!"


YEEAAAAH! ODST

This article, Halo: Ruined FOREVER, is a work of humour, and is not in any way intended by the author to be taken seriously. If you feel that this article is not an appropriate use of the humour template, please be sure to find information regarding the use of the Humour Template by visiting this page before making such a claim.

"In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
―Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Halo-Combat Intelligently Designed

This game is perfect in everyway, and everything else has only ruined it.

Fans realize something Microsoft does not, that robust decade-old multi-million-dollar franchises, while seemingly healthy, are in actuality as fragile as two bricks tied together with tissue paper. One mistake, one bad misstep will cause the entire thing to shatter and fall apart; and Halo would be ruined forever.

Fortunately, there is hope. The Halo fanbase has resolved to remain ever vigilant against something that could Ruin Halo Forever, and call out warning if they see something that could potentially do so.

Some Halo conservationists suggest a more extreme approach, that Halo should abandon all attempts at re-invention and instead cater exclusively to the old-school fanbase. Though attractive, this approach may prove impractical as a long-term solution.

Ruined Forever remains a serious threat to Halo now and in the foreseeable future, though it's possible a proposed initiative requiring all Halo fans to purchase an annual "online offset" could ensure our fragile brand's existence through the mid-21st century.


Things that have Ruined Halo Forever in the past

"It's hard to help but think Bungie keeps doing what people ask and getting yelled at for it. People wanted a deeper story so they gave that in Halo 2 and people didn't like it. People wanted a powerful pistol and an MC-centric campaign, they did that in Halo 3 and people didn't like it (albeit the Halo 3 pistol is just a bad idea in general). People (not as many as for some of the other changes) wanted a toned-down or more personal Halo experience and a new character to play as and they were given that in ODST (and Reach although less so) and they didn't like it. People wanted a powerful pistol again, more atmosphere, and more challenge, and were given that in Reach, and still weren't satisfied. What was that quote from a vidoc around a year ago about spinning plates? I totally agree."
―General Vagueness, HBO Forums[1]

1999

2000

  • Bungie forges a Faustian pact with Microsoft the Devil, becoming a part of Microsoft Game Studios. In addition to claiming their souls, the agreement denies a generation of Mac users the greatest game of all time for their superior hardware. Ah, what might have been...

2001

  • Halo: The Fall of Reach is released, shedding much light on the Chief's past and opening up the Halo universe to an extent which it will never be seen in the games. It is a New York Times bestseller, setting up every future Halo novel to fail in comparison to its success.
  • Halo: Combat Evolved is released, earning critical acclaim, forever ruining the Halo franchise.


2002

  • Xbox Live is released 1 year after the most AWESOME game of the 21st century is put out. Don't even lie, Microsoft. You were trolling the hell out of us.


2003

  • Halo: The Flood is rushed into production, William C. Deitz’s fantastic portrayal of the Marine struggle and shedding light onto the Covenant proving insufficient for his portrayal of the Chief as a gung-ho space marine not to ruin the franchise forever.
  • The Halo 2 E3 demo is released to widespread acclaim by gamers and critics. The majority of it will be scrapped before the game is completed, and only represents the tone of the first three levels or so, thereby ensuring the final game can only disappoint.

2004

  • i love bees is begun, an online advertising campaign that revolutionises viral marketing. It delivers a fantastic story, well-rounded characters, deepens the Halo universe, and is generally awesome. The final verdict? NOT CANON.
  • The highly awaited sequel to the original game, Halo 2 is released, ruining Halo forever even more.
    • Bungie change the Master Chief's armour. What was wrong with gloriously big and blocky? We don't want streamlined and smooth!
    • Halo 1 was perfect, so a sequel will automatically ruin everything we ever loved about it.
    • We don't care about the Arbiter, god, get back to the Chief! What do you MEAN, that's it?!
    • The pistol, which was perfect in every way, is replaced by the Battle Rifle.
    • Marines can finally drive now! Except they drive like drunken badgers!
    • Bees. My god.
    • Dual wielding throws the Golden Tripod right out the window, ruining the experience for all “pro” players.
    • The Brute AI consists of monkeys going batshit crazy.
    • The Covenant speak English? Why must you ruin Halo forever, Bungie?
    • If we wanted a cliffhanger, we’d watch Cliffhanger.
    • Online multiplayer is introduced bringing the experience of Halo 2 to thousands, depriving them of social lives or the chance to ever find a mate.
    • Master Chief wins the Worst Quote in Halo History Award when he says "Sir, finishing this fight."
    • Buggy piece of shit cutscenes? The devil you say!

2005

  • A website created by the Halo 2 clan BlackBoxRepublic merges with a Halo Wikia, becoming Halopedia, an encyclopedia for all things related to Halo. This ruins the Halo Nation forever, worse than anything that ever happens to the franchise itself.
  • Wanting to expand upon the Halo 2 experience, Bungie decides to release extra multiplayer maps, ruining Halo 2's multiplayer forever.

2006

2007

  • Halo: Contact Harvest is released, showing how the Human-Covenant war began, and also sheds some light on Avery Johnson's past.
  • Halopedia decides to export all their fan fiction to another Wikia site named Halo Fanon. This place for all picky, whiny, snot-nosed fans to congregate ruins Halo's fanbase forever.
  • Following the well-received Halo 2, Halo 3 rounds off the trilogy of the Master Chief, and apparently goes out not with a bang, but a whimper. Bungie is inundated with requests to "haz recon lol," and being teabagged by thirteen year old kids ruins Halo for a new generation of fans.

2008

  • Halo 3: ODST is announced, reusing the Halo 3 engine. Bungie begin the build-up to the announcement, which is then postponed – the fanbase reacts with raucous abuse.
  • Halo: The Cole Protocol is released.
    • A book NOT written by Eric Nylund? Heresy! Blasphemy! BURN THE WITCH!
      • What about Dietz and Staten?
        • BURN THEM TOO!!!

2009

Trollbait2halopedia

The Halo community is nothing if not civil.

  • Award-winning developer Ensemble Studios releases Halo Wars, a real-time-strategy game, becoming the first external developer to ruin Halo forever.
  • Bungie breaks away from Microsoft, selling Halo their souls in exchange for their freedom. Microsoft announce the creation of 343 Industries to oversee the development of the Halo franchise, prompting coughed declarations of “cash cow” among many. You're not my real dad Bungie!
  • Halo: Uprising is released after appalling publishing delays. It may have an adequate story, and awesome artwork, but it is still a sign that Microsoft doesn’t care and never did!
  • Halo 3: ODST is released.
    • We should be fighting Elites, not Brutes! Canon is ruined!
    • Flashbacks? What is this, Lost?
    • Why so much exploration before the action? Linear levels were so much better!
    • The absolutely perfect Battle Rifle is replaced with the M6C/S Pistol.
    • Playing as ODST homage’s to Firefly? I don’t care, I want my Spartans!
    • Firefight? If I wanted to kill Covenant, I’d play campaign.
    • No new multiplayer but still the same price? What is this heresy?
  • The Halo Encyclopedia is released, shedding light on darkened corners – though with so many errors that it is declared to have ruined Halo forever all on its own.
  • 343 Industries announce and begin to release Halo Legends, abandoning American animators and planting the flag of Halo on Japanese shores.

2010

Batfrank

Batfrank and The Boy Ellis are here to kick gum and chew ass. And they're all out of gum.

Halo 3 Kanye

Even Kanye West thinks Halo has been Ruined FOREVER.

2011

Meme - 343

That's right, boys and girls. Just keep at it, and eventually they'll get the message.

  • Halo: Cryptum is released, staying at #22 on the New York Times Bestseller list for two weeks. It deals with the Forerunners culture and history, and thus ruins an ancient enigmatic race forever.
  • Dead Space? In my Halo? WHYYYYY?!
  • A remaster of the PERFECT GAME is announced at E3. Obi-Wan Kenobi has to sit his old ass back down as thousands of voices cry out in terror, and are suddenly silenced.
    • The Hand of God M6D is back? DEATH TO FRANKIE!
    • It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You left out the original Halo multiplayer, reducing it to a Reach map pack, so you get NOTHING! You LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!
      • But it would have competed with Reach, which is counterprod-
        • I SAID GOOD DAY!
    • There's a Firefight map? And it doesn't have the Flood? Worst. Game. Ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
  • The announcement of Halo Anniversary is followed by a trailer for Halo 4: Electric Boogaloo.
    • 343i changed the Master Chief's armour. What was wrong with gloriously smooth and streamlined? We don't want big and blocky!
      • Forget the armour, what the hell happened to the Chief's codpiece? Is the tutorial a quest to visit the Codsmith and steal a "Hull of the Flagship"?
    • Why isn't there any new information? Why won't you tell us, 343i? If you don't hurry up, WikiLeaks the French will beat you to it!
  • Karen Traviss anywhere near the series. 'Nuff said.
  • A few Halo novels are reissued in new editions, with bonus content and canonical maintenance. Isn't that a good thing? You’d think so, but you'd be wrong.

2012

BlunderofTheCentury
  • If I wanted to read a book about walking, I'd read The Lord of the Rings. Again.
  • 343i unveil the Master Chief, and details on Halo 4.
    • The public get a glimpse of actual in-game footage of the Chief in his new armour.
    • No beta test? Nonsense, there's a signup right her-OHMYGODWHERESMYMONEYGOING?!?!
    • The absolutely perfect DMR is replaced with the Battle Rifle... OR IS IT?!
    • I don't get the controversy over "perks". Everyone was asking for a COD piece!
    • The SPARTAN-IVs win the prize for most generically bland helmet of 2012.
  • Karen Traviss declares war on Thursday.
  • Recruiting of British actors for Halo 4 causes accusations of "OMG DATS RACIST."
  • Forward Unto Dawn is released.
    • Live action? Pah, it will never work.
    • "Call me Master Chief." I cringed so hard I nearly died.
    • Kelly and Fred show up for about five seconds. 2/10 needed more Spartan action. And they TAKE OFF THEIR HELMETS and REVEAL THEIR AGE to UNAUTHORISED PEOPLE ARGLEBLARGLEAAAARGH.
  • Gameinformer reveals that, surprise surprise, Halo 4 is going to ruin Halo forever. Are you noticing a pattern yet?
Meme - PeteTheDuck

2013

2014

2015

Objection

OBJECTION!

  • Sarah Palmer is outwitted by a one-armed old lady. Perhaps she'll realise that maybe, just maybe, Halsey isn't quite the sadistic murdering super-Nazi responsible for everything bad ever as made out by Traviss ONI propaganda?
  • Guess not.
  • In the meantime, there's some inconsequential story about glassed planets starring a new character named Tanaka. It's not like she's going to, I don't know, become a - oh.
  • Halo: New Blood is released.
    • FIRST BLACK TEAM, NOW THIS?! YOU MONSTERS, 343i! YOU MONSTERS!
    • Edward Buck becomes a Spartan. I guess he could get better.
    • Romeo continues to be a huge dick to everyone about everything.
    • Dutch retires, disappearing into the murky void of possible future cameos or, knowing 343i, offscreen deaths.
    • Michael Crespo did nothing wrong.
    • The SPARTAN-IV Program continues to attract traitors like flies to shit. Not very competent ones, mind, considering their current track record.
  • Hunt the Truth begins.
    • A radio drama? What is this, the 1930s?
    • 343i scoops some guy with blue hair and a funny last name out of the 'characters nobody cared about' bucket as our protagonist, now voiced by Keegan-Michael Key.
    • Chief Mendez makes his triumphant return to the Haloverse by being a good boy and doing what ONI tells him, after last being seen stating that he'd think about it if given more shady orders.
    • Is FERO Halsey? Yes No Yes No Yes Maybe? NO.
    • I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY, MASTER CHIEF DID NOTHING WRONG-oh wait, he actually didn't.
    • Ben? Ben?! BEEEEENNNN!!!
  • Spartan Strike is released. The word 'meh' is thrown around a lot in connection with it.
  • Halo: Hunters in the Dark is released. I don't know how they managed it, but they made a tale about journeying back to the goddamn Ark and saving of the Earth being destroyed incredibly boring.
    • Hey kids, remember these memorable characters from Halo 3? Well they're back, and with something resembling character!
    • Blind Wolves finally show up in canon, having been dragged from the realm of discarded ideas and concept art to be hacked to pieces by our heroes.
    • Olympia Vale makes her debut appearance, proving that a man with a career as a linguist can't match a kid listening to Covenant recordings when it comes to learning Sangheili. She also nearly floors a Spartan in one scene, prompting a line that surely couldn't be foreshadowing anything, could it? In any case, it's clear that the 343i mind probe was at work here, for there already exists a flawless child prodigy in the Haloverse that those monsters had the gall to steal ideas from.
    • Serin Osman begins a trend of materialising at the end of Halo novels to reveal how everything that has transpired was part of some bigger plan like a Haloverse version of Nick Fury.
  • Paintable miniatures in Halo?. Pfft, it'll never catch on. Next you'll tell me that they're bringing out some Warhammer 40k-esque Halo tabletop game.
  • Halo: Last Light is released.
    • Two words: FRED SLED.
    • What on earth is a battle-jumper? Someone? Anyone?
    • With new revelations about just how crazy Gamma Company is while not on their meds, you've got to wonder why the UNSC even keeps them around.
    • Team Saber are KIA. But not really. Thanks for continually messing with us by announcing their official status weeks in advance of the book's release, 343i.
    • End of story Osman appearance #2: Spartan Boogaloo.
  • Hunt the Truth Season 2 begins.
    • FERO turns out to have been a dirty rotten traitor the whole time.
    • Oh hey, Ben's alive. He's- Uh-oh.
    • You guys remember that one asshole from that one story where not much happened? Well he comes back for about five minutes, then starts levitating and is promptly never seen again.
    • Wait, that's it? Just six episodes? I guess with the budget running out they ended it in the most sensible manner possible: by shooting our new protagonist dead.
  • Halo 5 is released.
    • The playable characters in Halo 5 are Blue Team and some other guys who get more screen time. The hell happened to Majestic? Did they get tossed out the airlock? Please tell me they got tossed out the airlock.
    • Four hours? FOUR HOURS?
    • Ground Pound? What is this, Destiny?
    • Warden Eternal, a Forerunner AI who's been guarding the Doman for millennia, having one mind and millions of bodies, only to be outsmarted by the 9-year Cortana and becoming her slave. Great.
    • No Big Team Battle in Halo 5? I don't want this 12 v 12 mode, we need BTB's 8 v 8 back!
    • Ladies and gentlemen, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The galaxy has been taken over, CONQUERED if you will, by a master-race of giant space angels. It's difficult to tell from this angle whether they will consume the native Earthlings or merely enslave them, but one thing is for certain. There is no stopping them, the angels will soon be here.
And I for one welcome our new Guardian overlords.
  • Okay folks, you want to know how to fuck up? Bad? I'm talking 'accidentally NOVA bombing your own fleet' levels of shittery. Imagine putting hard work and effort into a project based on a book made nearly fifteen years beforehand, one that has been republished and fixed up to suit newer canon. Shouldn't be too hard, should it? Making an animated series takes time, but surely you can get enough episodes out to cover all its events. No? THEN WHY DID YOU RELEASE SOMETHING CALLED 'THE FALL OF REACH' AND NOT INCLUDE THE FUCKING FALL OF REACH IN IT?!

2016

"I'm pretty sure when you look up "reading way too much into things" in the dictionary, it just links to this thread.
We should have much more about the project in CF this week, but suffice to say, i feel like we've reached a fun balance of letting players role play as an awesome Sangheili warrior in a super cool fighting game scenario/universe, including giving them the option to have that character appear as the Arbiter they know and love.
Complaining about and dissecting marketing intent, voice acting, and naming conventions are completely missing the proverbial point, and just comes off sounding like unsatisfyible bitching for bitchings sake.
Still love you guys though. Mostly."
―<3 GrimBrother One
  • 343 Industries and Double Helix games revealed that the Arbiter would feature as a playable character in the reboot of Killer Instinct. When a trailer with a voiceover, the fans immediately cried foul, pointing out that the entirely non-canon hybrid of various Arbiters was not voiced by Keith David, preemptively ruining the game.
  • 343 Industries abandons the long-standing partnership between Halo and the greatest manchildren's toy company ever in favor of those guys who make Hot Wheels, and they turn out what look like knock-off Bionicle. The crap reboot ones.
    • Extra sin because they produce three of the four for both Blue Team and Osiris, preventing you from ever completing the set.
  • GEN2 variants of the rest of NOBLE Team's armour are released in Halo 5, because apparently the UNSC decided to pump an ungodly amount of credits into recreating the armour of some Spartans whose most notable achievements were (almost) all dying on Reach. Yes, even the one with one giant shoulder, a kukri, a skull scratched into the visor has been mass-produced to fulfil...some role on the battlefield.
  • What is this I don't even.
  • At long last, 343i releases the Warzone Firefight update.
    • The simulator seems to believe that pitting a group of Spartans armed only with assault rifle against heavily-armoured Mantis-piloting Promethean Soldiers with the ability to self-heal is balanced and fair. It ain't.
    • To fight Demons, they created... Goblins?
  • Halo Wars 2 premieres with a surprisingly kickass trailer. Maybe it won't be so bad?
    • And then the beta happened. Remember how the original Halo Wars played when it came out back in 2009? Well, it's just that. Again. Yippee.
  • I WAS JOKING WHEN I MADE THE 40K PREDICTION, GODDAMN IT!
  • Halo Online crashes and burns suddenly, never to be seen again.
  • After many years, we receive a new, horrifying collection of stories that are sure to skewer our beloved Halo and stomp it into the ground: Halo: Fractures. God help us all.
    • Lessons Learned has Lucy-B091 greet everybody's favourite child soldier trainer Chief Mendez with a warm hug. No. NOOOO!
    • An important lesson is given about forgiveness when Some Guy™ gets angry at the presence Sangheili in their top secret research planet-thing. It's not like his family was likely incinerated during the war or anything but hey, hugs and kisses with the giant killer lizard people now that the war's over.
    • What Remains commits the grave sin of not being about augmented supersoldiers, and instead tells us a tale of some colonists cowering in the dirt, thinking... what, I wonder?
    • For some unfathomable reason, Breaking Strain is not about the Flood. Also, there's a new Spartan there called Kevin. Hi Kevin.
    • Halo: Shadow of Intent might have won some of you over with it bringing back 'ol Rtas 'Vadum, but who is that on the cover with him, huh? I guess they were so lazy they just reused the Arbiter's armour design for - never mind.
    • Prophet supersolders. Prophet. Supersoldiers. Guys, leave the fanfic writing to us, okay?
    • Saber Team returns in A Necessary Truth, where they kill some people and try to cover it up really well. Something tells me that these child soldiers dependant on drugs to stay sane might not be the best at undercover work.
    • Also, sudden Osman appearance #3. Unlike her predecessor, this CINCONI likes to be out and about so she can deliver important information personally instead of sitting in an office. It's not like she has an intelligence agency to run or anything.
OsmanFury

"Hello, I'm appearing at the end of this story to talk to you about the Avengers Spartan Initiative."

    • Into the Fire brings us the long-lost daughter of everyone's favourite happy sacrificial soldier man Sergeant Forge, proving that there's at least one person in-universe that cared enough about the Spirit of Fire to actually try and look for it instead of moping for years.
    • The Ballad of Hamish Beamish is poem that dares to be funny in this super serious grimdark universe, even if it is telling the rather sad story of not-Frank O'Connor.
    • You know, Saint's Testimony, you had the chance to tell a story that might introduce some new, fun AI to preside over the whole trial, but nope, had to be BB and Roland, who I guess just took a break from the Infinity to lend a hand.
    • When a seemingly unstoppable force arrives and conquers Earth, what would the highest-ranked individuals in the United Nations Space Command do? Organise a resistance? Regroup with their forces? Negotiate a peaceful surrender? Nope, better run away and hide in a cabin in the ass-end of nowhere.
      • Bonus points for Hood responding to the Created invasion by becoming an alcoholic. We feel ya, buddy, 343i has not been kind to you.
    • You want to know what we got from Oasis? Sand. I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
    • If you didn't think that ONI were led by horrible undead creatures before Anarosa has their diabolical agents hunting down a delicious fresh brain for AI implantation food. Okay, not really, but it would've been funnier that way.
    • In an utterly unforgivable turn of events, we find out that the IsoDidact wasn't killed by Halo, and instead lived out the rest of his days peacefully with his family. How dare they make him happy.
  • Halo: Tales from Slipspace is released. Oh no. Oh please no.
    Nightmare Fred

    YEARGHHHH

    • Eager to avoid the plot of Alien 3, Serina unleashes Jerome-092 from his frosty nap to deal with some Flood before she shuts herself down. You can really feel how few fucks he gives.
    • After the pitiful demise of Jul 'Mdama in Halo 5 and the lack of a proper Sangheili villain, perhaps his old buddy Avu Med 'Telcam can step up and... Of course he can't.
    • Have you ever had a nightmare you wanted to wake up from, but couldn't? Scientists say the last thing most people see before they wake up is this face. Utterly terrifying.
  • Halo 5: Forge is released. 'Cause PC Master Race.

2017

2018

Halo Battle Born cover

UGH #millenials!

2019

2020

Things that will no doubt Ruin Halo Forever in the future

External Links

This page is based on the Transformers Wiki article "Ruined FOREVER", which is licensed under the GFDL.

References

  1. ↑ General Vagueness, Halo.Bungie.net forums
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
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