Talk:Paths of the Exiles: Fate of the Exiles

Detailed review
Hi Actene!

Thanks for the opportunity to review your wonderful piece. I've recently been reviewing several scientific papers so this is an excellent reprieve :)

Your command of language is certainly very impressive; it reads beautifully, just like the previous piece you wrote a few months back where Simon-G294 faces off the tyrannical Brute chieftain. The introduction is especially flowing; you've adopted the dramatic prose employed by some of my favorite authors.

The first part is a bit confusing if it's a memory or a dream: it seems to blur, which is good, but some parts seem a bit clunky and redundant as compared to your wonderful introduction. In any instance, it's a bit striking to me (as the ardent Simon reader) that Simon was so actively engaged in anti-UNSC activities so it does a very good job carrying your tale of Simon as the "radical" SPARTAN-III that's really struck off - I think that's probably the most potent thread that comes across in the story. On a more technical note, your usage of the word "boy" is a bit confusing. I spent quite a bit of time wondering if this is pre-Onyx Simon or post-Onyx Simon.

To be candid, the dialogue with Diana is a bit pre-patterned; your excellent entrance with your introduction has set a very high standard and the retorts and banter between Diana and Simon are a bit stereotypic and it sounds a lot like Cortana's playful but eventually predictable banter. Nonetheless, it's okay (I certainly would have written a lot worse; you do quite a good job! However, your writing has given me an idea that if I ever write an AI character, I'll deliberately introduce some kind of undecided mannerism to split it from the Cortana stereotype--perhaps it's extremely grave or something, but not playful. Nonetheless, it's quite well-decided that Diana is the playful type).

There was a good injection of surprise with the ten years: it hit me the first time through quite strongly, although a bit less on the second passing. You do a lovely job with Simon's weary acceptance of the situation. It's quite clear that the galaxy has become so insane and ridiculous that this is just another "minor crisis" that he can't be concerned with.

A second great turn in the main text is where you point out how the HLF insignia really brands Cassandra like a whip; the loathingness of Simon is quite good. You might want to expand on that! (It would be a great turn and plot device). Given Cassandra's disposition, you do a great job exploiting our understanding of her character and elaborating how she really feels teeming hatred towards her companion. It's certainly quite emotionally compromising for her: stuck between this guy that has a bit of a crush on her (or used to) but is so terrible.

It's also quite good that portray Cassandra as bright: that she can see through Simon's partially-fabricated tales and also his strange mannerisms.

Nevertheless, the piece is quite outstanding and opens great directions. It's remarkably good, to be candid.

In brief:

Strengths


 * Very beautiful introduction (outstanding!)
 * Good exposition on Simon's past: good acquaintance with his history and explains his current disposition
 * Interesting developments into Cassandra's conflicted character

Weaknesses


 * The banter between Simon and Diana, while understandable, still is somewhat of a downstep compared to your lovely writing elsewhere

Talk to you soon!

Sincerely,

Relentless